you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
