he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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