Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
