Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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