I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
