My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize