my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
