Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
