I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
