I heard we made out
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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