Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
