Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
