my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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