I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
