the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
