Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
