You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
and she was petting her beer can
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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