Whod you bang
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize