I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
