Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
