Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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