even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
