He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
