a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
did i walk over a car last night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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