All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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