rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
