we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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