oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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