you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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