I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
