I can tuck mytits in my pants
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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