Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
