I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
