What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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