yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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