I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize