I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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