i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Drake has all the answers
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
