Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Man, jail baloney is awful.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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