Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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