I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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