I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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