I think my fart just growled at me.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
