I wish I could teleport
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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