I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
