he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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