he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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