(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize