Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
