cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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