oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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