Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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