He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
