Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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