Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
