I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
