I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
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