i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
