I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
