so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
