I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
