does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
