Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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